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It's Not Just You It's Everybody

by Stuart Wilson-Smith

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1.
This Was Not the Night as I Intended It 02:52
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I swam alone But the earth it was ignited at my feet Enough to keep me floating there in deep But not discrete I dragged along The shores of Fundy coastlands til I was home The longest time I’ve been away since grown So the elm trees moan In the twilight hours I remember you While the wild angels sang We slept out on floors We opened some door And went away In the faint light hours I just figured you Would be miles back on a train Where the motion of sound Would move you around To another state Well I came undone Beholden to time Hope is a stage It’s never too late Mornings inside Weak light collide How fractured we are To break on a dime
2.
Hard to Believe 03:57
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Blood Keep me in mind Keeper of my life Please Messed up in ways It’s just been a long day Sin The heartbreak you’re in I love that about you Now that I’ve been To the bottom again (You said) it's nothing to react to What is it about you that makes it so hard to believe What is it about you that makes it so hard to believe Familiar sounds The hurt you make The saddle of a promise paid The wages of war The cost of a fight I circled a forgotten place In hope retracing nothing breaks A knock at the door A thief at the night Easy to explain Easy to describe Miss my soul Tell me how you feel about being enough Is it quite as good as you thought it would Do you think you could change it While I’m whole Never quieter than in the pouring rain I hate the way my mind sends me back again Need to defend my hide away Nothing matters more than the way you feel today It’s a game we play It’s a name in the clay Chase Weave in and out The structures of my doubt Feed The silence that breathes In a mind that was happy When The struggle began I lived off a memory Like ten Years of pretend In a house cloaked in ivy What is it about you that makes it so hard to believe What is it about you that makes it so hard to believe You give, I give You take, I take Are my bad decisions your mistakes I've been there before I've written a line For liturgy of gold and lace You gave up things you can’t replace A knock at the door A thief at the night Easy to explain Easy to describe…
3.
Over/Under 03:20
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One side for providence One side for making sense Put em up together and see what holds Our final innocence Determined by some choice and chance What’s it take to make a brother whole And I want to know Does it ever change your mind Is there beauty in the silence The wasted hours unwilding And letting go Does it ever change your mind To love something completely Without one foot discreetly out the door Thought hard before I made Up my mind in second grade I want to see the world and take it home But some years were unkind to me Sometimes wished I didn’t leave Build up more than another story told And I am wondering Does it ever change your mind The sacredness of feeling When another’s air your breathing In and out Does it ever change your mind The mystery of wanting Anything you could keep for yourself The over/under’s leading me to side with real romance The kind where I divest myself of all my given ends The over/under’s telling me to wake up and be well Cause being frozen where you dwell Well it’s a special kind of hell Well I know in my head There’s this vision of being more And I know in my head I’m not always sure what for Cause long after I’m dead I’ll still fit on a page Buried here and age But so much deeper underneath It’s kinda strange to think about All the fear you could live without If you only knew the pointlessness Of waiting for a sign Consolation Joy and peace Don’t forget your curiosity The moment you stop wondering The wonders start to cease The over/under’s leading me to side with real romance The over and the under says throw out the best-laid plans The over/under couldn’t be much more irrelevant Cause there is more to life than this Just what you did and what you missed And we are so much more than this Just what we did and what we missed
4.
Pictures of St. Dymphna 04:41
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Woke up to a world Feel like nothing My sister warms the car Says it's time to do something You've been lying here too long And I want you to know my children But you've got to forgive to heal Le me take you back to Fr. Downing So we drove down Hanwell road And I couldn't tell my breath from her cigarette smoke Father met me at the door Said I promise you'll be alright I said Oh What a mess I made I broke a promise to the light Is this mercy or a masquerade I know i ask you every time I just can't get free in my mind Father, as we walked down the parish hall I saw St. Dymphna in a painting I guess some kid knew who she was I hope she prays for us tonight Brother, you are free And that's how you're meant to be And this is the last time The things we do are done And you're not hurting anyone So this is the last time By the one who knows you most Father Son And Holy Ghost You're absolved So I walked back to the car Amy asked Well is it over I said as over as it can And she cried into my shoulder
5.
Bury 03:40
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Thirty years to get married Thirty years ago What other plans can we bury Or embargo All of my friends are awakened All of my friends are gone Could one have been more mistaken when the lines of the path were drawn But who ever knew the chance I’d take Who ever knew the rules I’d break There’s too many lies I’ll hesitate for now You don’t have to get married and You don’t have to meet my son All the longings you bury just become the ways that you hurt everyone I’ve been waiting on the evening shore I’ve been changing, still things I can’t let go now All the things that I was looking for are wrong again They’re out the window Thirty years to get married Thirty years ago Better to have fixed what is broken All along You don’t have to get married You don’t have to meet son All the longings you bury just Become the ways that you hurt everyone While your world is colliding While the world is looking black Never once was I hiding the The things I carry The things I lack
6.
I Felt Alive 03:34
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I felt alive today And I don't want help Cool breeze under shirt As the last of the storm dies down Would you like to say what's on your mind Would you like to dance God isn't here today But I trust I feel And I know That when the light rescinds It's so the worst of us don't show Would you like to leave yourself behind Would you like to dance All that I feel for you is seedless Soil-less ground I'll steal an emotion or two And turn my sadness back around To when you came I felt so strong today Like my bed released its spell The one where the days become Like secrets I can never tell Would you like to search for things you'll never find Would you like to dance Would you like to dance
7.
Make a Note 03:05
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1 West I was sitting by the window late one night My nurse said I had a visitor I said alright In walked Karen Brannon Intern chaplain on the floor She was kind and cool and brilliant Rose of Tralee '94 I said Rose of Tralee Can you find me a meadow And Rose of Tralee Can you find a way to heal me Cause I'm up in my head And I can't get out of bed But hey look if I'm too far gone Take this note and pass it on They let me out near three weeks later I quit my job on that same day Drove east for Grand Manan Was cleansed by the waters of Fundy Bay I delivered groceries to the locals From the local IGA Life was good till my mind began to slip away I turned to the sea and watched the flies inhaled by swallows Could it be the same for me That I can't escape the chase of ails and sorrows Closing in round my head Want an open field instead Could make it work If I'm not too far gone I'll write a note and pass it on Used to dream of St. John River Where in boasts of plasticine I'd float away Away Years later I got sicker And cheated out of fantasy Away Away Landed west of Quispamsis It's the last stop on the SMT Built a cabin as good as any place for a restless heart to be Behind the cabin was a clearing Behind the clearing another home And in the home at least a dozen like me Who thought they're better off alone So I wrote to the Rose of Tralee Hey I did find me a meadow And Rose of Tralee I did find a way to heal me I got out of my head I live for them instead And hey look No one's too far gone So take this note and pass it on
8.
Dust (Serotonin) 04:00
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Some things Are made to break Water, sunshine, and dust Some things Are made mistakes Idols of happiness and us Fools who deceive themselves over and over again Make up the rest of their lives I don’t give in that much to all the time I lost You can see it somewhere under my eyes Some things Are wide awake Faith and wanting and trust Some things Are hard to take Turning from maybe to must Hey just a moment now, sleep for another round If any should ask Well I tried To open the curtains and let that good light on in This day can wait for tonight And I recall Sarah Jones Sarah now Sarah helped Serotonin (But) I get by Yeah, I get by Sarah laughed Sarah cried Sarah held Serotonin I get by Yeah I get by Cause it seems to me Something is wrong again You said it seems to me The earth can’t help but spin So I hold my head And pull my hair And scream aloud And man I feel so proud Cause I made it I made it Some things Will never break Never crumble to dust Some things Just show up late Still good Underneath the rust
9.
Victory 03:50
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Out of the cold of the wind and dust A man in his home adding colours to white washed walls A blade in a fist and a letter from home It's good to be missed just when things start to fold The night's giving hell to an old screen door Splashes of paint dot the edges of the kitchen floor Up into bed Just a bed in a room And a mirror stained with the words This is you This you When victory Lays it's hands on me Oh I won't go on alone When victory Lays it's hands on me I'll give it everything I own Come and take my blood And water it down You don't know what I know You don't know what I know And this one should Bring things around You don't know what I know You don't know what I know When victory Lays it's hands on me Oh I won't go on alone When victory Lays it's hands on me I'll give it everything Everything That I own
10.
Say More 04:18
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Feels like a palisade in ground Water floods and lifts us to heaven's borderlands Still passing time but breaking down Don’t say it’s all alright I’m not faking it this time My blood was mine but now it runs With souls who lay and reach out for my hand What life is this that makes the sound Of sheets in hallway light Of making it through the night I am pretty much the same I mean Except for how I’ve changed Or mended Sometimes someone holds a mirror up to you And instead of staring back You stare right through To another you But you can keep the band Fall forward into change Doesn’t mean you go away What part of “I hear you” don’t you understand What part of “I’m distracted” don’t you understand What part of “I’m angry" Leave all my mystery on the ground Dig ‘till I feel my center trembling Write down the words I’m speaking now And be alright With things that aren’t alright
11.
More Than Time 02:30
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Songs about a rover Play in my defense Knee deep in the water Looking in I think of last October I think of what it meant To feel something completely Heaven sent More than time More than time Thicker than blood But never enough More than time Live the life I'm dreaming Clean and pure and fine Shadows of my own making In a fickle mind I need more than time More than time Thicker than blood never enough More than time Who do you run to when Love let go and You don't want anything Desire is a gift once Given to the Body In the soul of a stranger I can hear it ring Fed on daily portion Fed on daily cup I think it's worth surviving I think it is enough More than time More than time Thicker than blood Ever enough More than time

credits

released February 3, 2019

Written, Recorded, Performed by Stuart Wilson-Smith, CSP.

I am exceedingly grateful to my community, the Paulist Fathers, for the opportunity to spend a large chunk of my last summer in seminary writing this album. Proceeds from the sale of this album go to the Paulists. paulist.org.

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Stuart Wilson-Smith Chicago, Illinois

Folk and rock and/or roll music by a Canadian person.
See also the SWSO at swso.bandcamp.com

Twitter: @swilsonsmith

Instagram: @swilsonsmithcsp

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